Friday, June 30, 2017

Grilled Cheese

I've decided my new goal in life is to make grilled cheese. I'm going to buy an old ice cream van from the late '70s and replace the ice cream coolers with grills. I'll pass a food safety course and then go to music festivals and park there and sell grilled cheese sandwiches for like $8 or $10. These aren't normal grilled cheese sandwiches, oh no, these are a modern take on a retro Americana comfort food. I have one grilled cheese called "the Tony Soprano" and it has salami, prosciutto, and gabagool and hot peppers and some other fucking Italian shit and the cheese is mozzarella. There's another one called "the Jerk" and it's got pulled jerk chicken and it's served with plantains. People are gonna fucking love this shit.

Eventually once enough people start Yelp-ing my grilled cheese van (working title for food truck name: "Grillenium Falcon") and then even more people will start Yelp-ing and eventually the Grillenium Falcon will be just one of those, "Yo dude, you check out this grilled cheese spot over in Atwater Village? Yo you gotta check it out man it's insane! They've been parked out there for like a month but I think they're gonna move soon,"-type restaurants that people are always going on about. The Grillenium Falcon is going to have that status.

I'll do this for maybe a few more months until finally I transition into the next stage in the life of a renowned street food empire: pop-up shops. I'll be poppin up motherfuckin shops left, right, and center until people are like "Wait WTF, aren't your pop-up shops pretty much permanent at this point because I swear there's like nine of them in K-Town," but it's like nah, not really because we just pop around to different spots so quickly it seems like we're fucking everywhere when in reality we open up at a certain location for maybe even less than an hour before moving on, just enough time to get that shit on the 'Gram.

Once the Grillenium Falcon brand name has been fully established on social media and in the Yelp community as one of the sickest non-ethnic/ethnic-fusion "restaurants" in the whole city, I will be able to move onto phase two of my life alteration plans: SELF DESTRUCTION AND REINCARNATION. I will throw everything I own in the trash. I will delete my Facebook account and burn my passports. I will move out in the middle of the night and I won't tell anyone what my forwarding address is. I'll change my phone number. I'll change my email. People will forget that I exist.

And then...

I emerge several months later driving an old lime green 1972 Chevy El Camino. I have a beard but I shaved an inch away on either side where my mustache meets my beard so it kind of looks like an anchor. I have several gold chains and I smell like coconut butter. My clothes are modest but fashionable and my name is now Edwin.

What's up Edwin? Not much dude I'm just chillin. You wanna come over? Nah dog I'm busy right now. Okay what are you up to? I'm just sittin here drinkin Beam. All right damn, catch you later *hangs up* whoa man Edwin is mysterious he drinks Jim Beam on his own at like eleven in the morning but goddamn does he make a good grilled cheese.

By this time my grilled cheese empire has grown into a fully capitalized grilled cheese store franchise with over 30 locations in SoCal and the Bay Area, and one in Las Vegas. We were ranked the "Hottest Franchise of 2026" by We are a great franchise and a solid investment because at the end of the day every fuckin scumbag likes a nice grilled cheese now and then.

I love grilled cheese. Oh fuck I burned my grilled cheese.