Wednesday, July 26, 2017

Three Wishes

Sit down son, I wanna tell you something. The strangest thing happened to me the other day. I was about to take a piss when a small man wriggled his way out of the hole in my penis. He turned to me and said hello.

Well by golly that sure scared the heck outta me. He was wearing a top hat and a tuxedo and he said his name was Luther. He told me that he would grant me three wishes. I said I only wanted one but he told me I had to pick three, so I wished that I only had to pick one. "Your wish is my command!" he said, as he slithered back up through my urethra.

Only then did I realize what I had done. Boy did I feel like an idiot wasting my wishes like that. I was gonna ask for a 2017 Honda Civic. It's the most popular car in America and it has a five-star safety rating from the NHTSA. I wasn't even fussed about the color.

Anyway, I hope you learned a valuable lesson from this story. Now get dressed or you're gonna be late for school. I love you, son.

Monday, July 10, 2017

Imperforate

I have no asshole. I was born without one. Life can be a challenge sometimes but I manage to get by. I don't often tell people but when I do they get confused. They ask me how that's possible. They ask me how I shit. I just smile and tell them that imperfections are what make us human.

Sometimes I get jealous of other people's assholes. When I was a kid I prayed to Jesus every night to give me an asshole. My mom told me that I was made in His image. I asked why other people have them if they were made in His image too. She said that assholes are a creation of the Devil to entice us into sin. She told me that when I was 8 or 9 years old so I didn't really understand what she was talking about, but now that I'm 40 I can see where she was coming from.

There's a lot of positives about not having an asshole. I save a lot of money on toilet paper. I never have to worry about when the right time in a relationship is to start farting. There's a lot of pain and suffering in this world so I should feel blessed that my only real problem is that I was born without an asshole.

Occasionally when I pee I sit down on the toilet just to pretend I'm taking a shit. When I'm alone I like to rub my finger against the space where my asshole should be. I know that I'm feeling a sensation that no other human being has ever felt before. It makes me feel special but it also makes me feel very alone.

When my wife left me she called me the world's biggest asshole. I said that was ironic because I didn't even have one. She told me that I didn't have one because I am one. I might be an asshole but at least I'm not a dick.

Last night I had a dream where I used a knife to give myself an asshole. It turned into a black hole and sucked everything up until the universe was nothing but an asshole. I farted and the universe dribbled down my legs. I woke up and thought I might have shit the bed but then I remembered I have no asshole.

I wish I was just like everybody else. I wish I was normal. I wish I had an asshole.