Tuesday, October 3, 2017

This is an actual email I sent to the saatchi gallery in London about some art i done did


I have created the moost important work of modern art of all time - please read this or you will doom modern art to an eternity in oblivion

space jam <spacejam6942069 gmail.com=>
Attachments8:58 PM (0 minutes ago)

to admin@saatchigallery.com
hi. i wasnt sure what the best email to send this to would be but i figured you guys would be able to pass this message along to the appropriate party. please read this email in its entirety for it is incredibly important to the art world and the future of modern art itself.

today i was super excited cuz i finally got that poster that i ordered online a few weeks back. it took a while to come because they didnt have any more in the size i wanted (largest size - 36"x24") and they had to backorder. the poster is a glossy landscape print of a photo of damien hirst's most famous work, the physical impossibility of death in the mind of someone living, which if you dont know is a display case of a big shark in formaldehyde. i think its the best thing to ever come out of that group of artists whose name i cant remember but i know are all financed by charles saatchi.

i had already cleared space on my wall by throwing out this mounted stuffed head of a bengal tiger that my aunt helen killed on some safari in africa or something. i turned the wastepaper basket upside down and stood on top to hang up my new poster but i overestimated the strength of the trash can's aluminum wire frame and it crumpled under my weight.

as i fell back i grabbed out for my desk but i somehow managed to crush the tip of my left middle finger in a drawer. the pain was excruciating and when i looked down i could see that my shirt (two days old!!!!) was speckled in blood. i lay on the floor clutching my finger and writhing in pain. my left hand is already in a cast because i ran it over with my own car (thats a whole other story!) so it just added to the existing uncomfortableness of my left hand.

but the pain almost instantly subsided when i opened my eyes, blinked away the tears, and saw what i had done. while i did in fact destroy the with my weight, i managed to do something else entirely: create the most magnificent modern art piece of ALL TIME.

somehow, the way that i crushed the trashcan, coupled with the trash inside the bin, has created a breathtaking piece that exemplifies so many themes that artists in this medium struggle to emulate even a fraction thereof.  not even the great damien hirst himself could have dreamed of being able to make something this fantastic.

it is perfect. there is no other way of describing it. the curvature and warping of the cheap metal is the melted metal chain link fence representative of the dichotomy between suburban paranoia and the current divisive political atmosphere in ways that frank gehry's concert halls and sex dungeons could not even begin to aspire to be. the crumpled and torn scraps of paper inside the bin are the oppressed and marginalized indigenous and minority groups being thrown away, like the gays or whatever.


how am i qualified to make such a claim? let me tell you a little about myself: my name is Adolph P. Chesterton of the chesterton family of branson, missouri. i doubt you english know much about branson but suffice it to say that our forefathers put branson on the map, literally, because they made their fortune as printmakers, specifically of maps and other cartographical documents. i am 24 years old and i am the sole heir to the chesterton Fortune. our family has a sizable art collection, primarily of the most famous street caricature artists, like greg stamp, anthony stewart, and momo the clown. we have some more contemporary works as well. i have a bachelors degree in art history from the university of Arkansas and i have just started online classes towards obtaining a masters degree in visual culture studies. so believe me. i know art.

i have attached photos of my piece, which I am calling, "This Trashcan I crushed while standing on it bad" to this email. please view them now. once you have viewed the photos and you understand their magnitude, you will understand that this piece must be shown to the public for the betterment of human culture. i could think of no place better than the collection and gallery of charles saatchi, one of the most important benefactors of modern art and a personal inspiration.

i am asking for $250,000 USD for my masterpiece. i dont need this money, my family has almost $30 million. i just feel that this is the lowest possible amount of money i could charge you without coming off as ridiculous. but you must act quickly because this work MUST be shown to the public for god only knows what delaying its arrival might cause and how poorly your actions would be viewed by the art historians of the future.

Adolph P. Chesterton

Sent from my iPhone

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