Monday, April 3, 2017

Identity Theft

I think someone stole my identity. I'm worried that someone other than me might be me. I don't know how it happened. Maybe it was an unsecured Wi-Fi network. Maybe it was when I put those letters from the bank in the trash without shredding them first. I'm worried about my credit now.

I think someone stole my identity. I got a call from my bank about a suspicious transaction. Someone used my card and tried to buy almost $3,000 worth of bespoke art deco furniture. I told the bank that it couldn't have been me because I preferred more contemporary styles of interior design. The customer service representative laughed but I was being serious. I couldn't even tell you what an art deco couch looks like.

I think someone stole my identity. I'm not 100% sure because I saw a commercial on TV for a website to check my credit score for free, but when I got to the website it said I had to sign up for a one month free trial in order to view it and that after the one month was over I would automatically be charged $18.95 a month unless I cancelled the subscription, and I didn't want to do it because when I bought that blender from Amazon I signed up for a free trial of Amazon Prime to get free two-day shipping and I forgot about it for seven months. I hope nobody stole my identity.

I think someone stole my identity. I look in the mirror and there's somebody else there. I feel like I've seen them somewhere before but I can't quite put my finger on it. Is it true that when you dream your brain can't invent new faces, but just reuses ones that you've seen before, even if you don't remember them, like someone who passed you in a crowd? Everybody at the office keeps calling me "Susie" but my name is Jeff.

I think someone stole my identity. One day it was here and the next day it was gone. Did I leave it in the coat check when I went to the natural history museum? I don't think so. Maybe I left it on top of my car while I was getting out my keys to unlock my car and forgot that I put it on top of my car and just left it there and drove away and it fell off the top of my car. I think I might be losing my mind.

I'm pretty sure someone stole my identity. I don't really know what you're supposed to do when that happens. I went to the police station and explained my situation but they just referred me to someone called a "crisis counselor." I Googled "what should I do if I lost my identity" but it only comes up with relationship advice. I don't need relationship advice, relationships are very low on my list of priorities right now.

If you have my identity, please give it back.

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