My only goal in life is to be able to live vicariously through my unborn son. I've accepted the fact that I am never going to amount to anything. I'm already too old to be the youngest self-made millionaire. I can't act, paint, or sing. I'm too lazy to ever finish writing a book and I'm too stupid to write a book that I'd be too lazy to finish. Instead, I've decided to just have a badass son.
My son is going to wear a leather jacket every single day. He's going to take lessons in every instrument and every language and every night before bed I'm going to make him invent a new one of each. He's going to do karate and Taekwondo and Krav Maga and tennis and inevitably, when he fails just like his father, he can find some other loser to procreate with and I can have one more chance to make something of myself.