Tuesday, April 25, 2017

United Airlines

Hello, is everybody okay in there? I'm doing just fine. My name is ***** and I'll be your guide on this voyage. I know everyone is going to have a good time, just please remember to stay behind the yellow line while we are in motion.

A little history before we got started: this vessel was designed in the year 1996 and it was originally intended to ferry wheat and other grains but was recommissioned in 2030 and transitioned to its current role.

Our total travel time today is approximately 216 hours. Skies are cloudly and atmospherics are at approximately 67%. We will be making one stop along the way at ***** so that you may **** your *******. Sit back, relax, and enjoy the trip.

Oh, and one more thing I forgot to mention. The staff may come and bother you if they see you with food out. They are very hungry and will try to beg for your scraps. They have not eaten in several weeks.

Please make sure you never feed any of the staff. They are currently being punished for a series of indiscretions. If they are fed, they will not learn. They must learn.

If you have any questions regarding this policy please visit our website. I can't remember the URL right now but if you Google "United Airlines" and my name you will find my profile on the website and I have a hotlink to the policy in my "About Me" tab. I also have my email and phone number in case you have any further questions.


If you did not remember to use the toilet you will need to hold it. The bathroom doors will be unlocked again in about three days. Please refrain from urinating in the cups marked "urine cups," despite their name they are not for that. "Urine" is an airline term that means something else.

So once again, sit back and relax and enjoy. Today marks the beginning of a grand adventure. "Sometimes we are lucky enough to know that our lives have been changed, to discard the old, embrace the new, and turn headlong down an immutable course."

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