Wednesday, December 20, 2017

Breakfast Burrito

I wish I was a breakfast burrito. Not a man in a breakfast burrito costume. Not a breakfast burrito with arms, legs, and a face, like a Mr. Potato Head, or rather, a Mr. Breakfast Burrito Head. Not a breakfast burrito with thoughts and emotions. A breakfast burrito, lifeless and devoid of consciousness. A regular old breakfast burrito, like one that you would get from McDonald's or a local taco truck. I'm sure you know what a breakfast burrito is.

I would bring much more happiness into the world if i was a breakfast burrito and not a human male. I will never create a lasting work of art. I will never make a lasting positive impact on anyone's life. I will never contribute anything to this world that will give a person more satisfaction than what they would have gotten out of eating a breakfast burrito.

I will never ever have sex with a person where at the end of the sex, the person I just had sex with thinks, "I am glad that I chose sex instead of eating a breakfast burrito." My naked dick and balls cannot compete with a breakfast burrito.  A breakfast burrito will never result in an unwanted pregnancy or sexually transmitted infection.

This is not a metaphor for me being depressed. I mean what I am saying quite literally, and I'm not just talking about myself, either. There are few people on this earth who have lived, are alive, or will ever be alive, whose lives are more significant than a breakfast burrito.

You need food to live; you don't need me to live. Breakfast burritos are delicious; I am not delicious. Breakfast burritos do not make awkward faux pas at parties or events. Breakfast burritos are not racist. They don't murder people. They never sexually harass women who work with them. Breakfast burritos do not have jobs so no women work with them, and they are never horny. They have no sexual desires whatsoever.

You know, like a breakfast burrito.

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