Monday, December 11, 2017

Shit for Brains

I thought that I had a brain but when the doctors opened up my skull all they found was a pile of shit. The doctors were amazed that I had somehow been able to survive this long since apparently you need a brain in order to live. The shit smelled really awful when they cut open my skull, like someone had just taken a fresh dump inside my head. I asked them to close it up because the smell was so overpowering but they were more focused on figuring out how I was alive.

Just then, I remembered that once when I was a kid I woke up in the middle of the night and shit was coming out of my ear and staining my pillow. I told the doctors what I remembered but it just made them more confused because you're not supposed to be able to have memories unless you have a brain to store them in.

After what seemed like forever they decided the best course of action would be to remove the shit inside my head, but every time they took it out more shit grew back in its place. Each time it would start out as a little brown speck in the center of the bottom of my cranium and it would slowly spread out like a puddle, increasing in size and eventually forming into a solid lump of human fece. As I'm sure you can imagine this was a great surprise to the doctors, who at this point gave up and decided I was beyond the ability of medical science to understand, and they reattached the top of my skull and sewed my head back up.

I am thankful for their efforts though, because now I have discovered that I have a hidden talent. I close my eyes and pinch my nose shut and grit my teeth and squeeze the muscles in my face and thin ropes of shit come out of my nose and ears like Play-Doh. It's pretty disgusting but also strangely fascinating.

I have been booked on several talk shows and I am getting lots of calls from reporters. I'm glad that what could have been a life-threatening medical condition has instead been able to bring joy into the lives of so many. I just wish that my head wouldn't smell so bad. Maybe then people would be able to have a conversation with me for more than a few seconds.

No comments:

Post a Comment