Wednesday, June 6, 2018

My Condition

About two years ago something happened and ever since then my life hasn't been the same. I'm not sure exactly what caused it. The changes weren't sudden, they were gradual, and it wasn't until a few months in that I really started to notice the full effects. Eventually, however, I became aware that, over time, I had started defecating constantly, way more than the average person, anyway.

I would wake up, have a shit, go to work, have a shit, eat lunch, have a shit, etc. On average, I was shitting about 10 times a day. As an experiment, I went a full two days without eating a single bite of food,  but if anything, this only made me shit more. I went to the doctor but I got the feeling he didn't think my problem was very serious. He told me that my digestive system probably just worked differently and that I should just get used to it. How dare he trivialize my condition? I'm sure he wouldn't be so nonchalant about it if shit was coming out of his ass ten-plus times a day.

I tried taking my doctor's advice but after a year of non-stop shitting I really started getting frustrated. I decided I had to solve this mystery once and for all. For a month, I recorded every minute detail of my life. I made a spreadsheet and documented everything I did, where I went, who I spoke to, etc. Then I spent another week analyzing the data and looking for patterns. But in the end, everything seemed normal, apart from the shits.

It was only after I desperately made a post about it on Yahoo Answers that I finally had a light bulb moment. Most of the people replying to my post didn't provide any useful information, but one person trying to be funny wrote, "Do you pee normal or is that weird too?" At first I thought that, no, I still pissed at a regular frequency, but when I looked at the data I had gathered, I was a little confused.

I drink a lot of water, and I mean a lot of water. It's the only liquid I consume, really. I drink maybe 20 or 30 cups a day. My pee is so clear that I don't even have to flush. But the pissing data didn't seem to reflect that. I was only really peeing once or twice a day max. So I decided to stop drinking altogether to see what would happen and boy, oh boy, could you imagine my surprise when I suddenly stopped shitting?

When I switched the experiment and went a day without eating—you guessed it—I stopped pissing. I made a appointment with my doctor and was overjoyed to bring him the news of my discovery, but he didn't believe me! He said there was no physical way for my urinary and fecal functions to swap, no matter what my data said. I argued and I pleaded but his opinion wouldn't budge.

That was almost half a year ago now, and I've spent all that time trying to figure out another solution, but I haven't had any ideas. The only thing I can think of doing to end all of this frustration is to kill myself, so tomorrow I'm going to jump off the Golden Gate Bridge. Then I will never have to worry about piss or shit ever again.